How should members leave a congregation?

A few months ago, I wrote a blog post and followed it with a podcast episode with suggestions for preachers on how to leave a congregation. I discussed several ways that I’d done it, which were not the best. I saw progression as I moved a few more times.

Here are links to those presentations:

How to leave a church blog:  https://www.newshepherdsorientation.com/how-to-leave-a-church/

How to leave a church podcast episode:  https://www.buzzsprout.com/2369804/episodes/18468125

After reading that blog post on how to leave a church, Bill Garland from Pace, Florida, asked me if I had suggestions on how members should leave a congregation.

Good question. Here is my response.

I’ve observed or heard of ways not to do that. 

Several years ago, an elder became frustrated. He stepped up at the end of the service, resigned as an elder of that congregation, nodded to his wife, and they walked out the door. He had no conversation with the other elders. He left not to return. In a few weeks, 60% of that congregation had followed his example.

I listened to a preacher’s last sermon at a congregation where he’d been fired the week before while he was on vacation.

The title of his sermon was Beware of Dogs. He had used as his text Philippians 3:2:

 Look out for the dogs, look out for the evildoers, look out for those who mutilate the flesh.

I don’t think Paul had that application in mind in the context of that scripture.

The best way to start leaving the congregation is to begin well when you enter a church. If you haven’t been raised in that congregation, place membership when you move to the area.

People often ask where you get scripture for placing membership. The answer is Acts 9:26-28.

And when he had come to Jerusalem, he attempted to join the disciples. And they were all afraid of him, for they did not believe that he was a disciple. But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles and declared to them how on the road he had seen the Lord, who spoke to him, and how at Damascus he had preached boldly in the name of Jesus. So he went in and out among them at Jerusalem, preaching boldly in the name of the Lord.

Paul wanted to join (place membership with) the church at Jerusalem in order to be involved in the work of the Lord in that town. The members, including the apostles, didn’t want him to be a member of that congregation because they were afraid of him.

That scripture will tell us how to leave a church. Members need to leave one church to join another and bring information to be involved in the work of the new church. The church, including the apostles, were afraid of Paul because of his past life of persecuting Christians. Barnabas had some information that helped him become a member of the congregation. After that, he was with them going in and coming out, preaching the gospel.

After becoming members, Christians need to be involved in the work of the congregation where they live to be active members of the body of Christ. 1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4:7-16

When members leave a congregation, it’s helpful for them to announce ahead of time in order to say goodbye, finish any unfinished work, and prepare for the next place where they’ll be worshiping and working.

Members of a healthy family don’t leave home without saying goodbye and leaving a forwarding address.

In Genesis 31:22-28, Jacob took his wives and children and left where he’d lived with Laban for years, worked for him, and married Leah and Rachel. He didn’t say goodbye. He didn’t inform Laban where they were going. He just left.

Depending on the translation, Laban said Jacob had deceived, cheated, tricked him, and stolen his daughters. That’s not the way to treat family. No warning. No time to grieve the loss. No opportunity to say parting words. 

Contrast that with Paul’s goodbye to the elders of the church at Ephesus. He asked them to travel to Miletus as he was passing by on his way to Jerusalem. 

• He told them of the troubles awaiting him.

• He informed them this was his last visit with them. 

• He assured them he had done everything he knew to do while he was working with them. 

• He warned them of the dangers that were coming their way.

• They prayed together.

• They demonstrated the close relationship by showing their love and sorrow and going as far as they could go because they would never see him again.

When an individual Christian or family leaves a congregation, I think it’s good to give advance notice. I like to have a going-away “party” (occasion), with a designated time to talk about our past together, plans for the future, prayer, and blessings on the future of the church and family leaving.

Years ago, many people would take a letter of recommendation from the elders of the congregation where they’d been to the new church. The sending elders would tell of good work they’d done and encourage the elders of the new church to accept them as faithful members who would contribute much to the congregation where they were moving. 

The best way to begin well in a new place or relationship is to end our relationship with the old place well. Here’s one of the best models I’ve ever seen. It’s called The Five Tasks of Dying. I’ll put a link in the show notes for a better explanation. The 5 tasks are:

• Forgive me.
• I forgive you.
• Thank you.
• I love you.
• Goodbye.

The Five Tasks of Dying:  https://www.newshepherdsorientation.com/5-tasks-of-dying/

Some people try to avoid the pain of the separation, saying, “It’s not goodbye, but so long. Things will always be the same. We’ll get together as we always have.”

That’s rarely true. The truth is things won’t be the same. We won’t see each other as often as we have in times past. If we had a good relationship, the parting will be painful. 

• Don’t deny it. 

• Discuss it. 

• Work through it.